“Yeah, no I'm fine..” is a familiar phrase that we hear often after a question like “How are you?” and have likely said it myself.
Often we say this to deflect attention from ourselves. Why? It can feel vulnerable to process difficult feelings out loud and there is a risk of being judged. Sometimes we just don’t feel like talking. It’s often a polite response, plus aspects of our lives are private.
If we say how we really feel and are judged for it, it can feel crushing. So often we go about deflecting attention away from us and sometimes blaming ourselves:
“I mean, everyone feels like that, don't they.” (not a question, a statement).
“...... has it so much worse. Look what they’ve coped with!"
“You just have to get on with it don’t you.” (again not a question).
“I know what to do, I’m just tired, but everyone else is I guess.”
“Yeah, I can be lazy!”
“I don’t need help, I just need to get on with it”
“...... is achieving so much more, what’s wrong with me?”
“Yeah I’ve had the pain for a while, but I’ll survive!”
“I’m a practical person, I just need to know what it is and I’ll sort it.”
“No I’m not anxious, just feel a bit overwhelmed and my tummy is in knots - but it passes eventually!”
“I feel teary all the time, what’s wrong with me?!”
“I’m a strong capable person, I don’t need help, I just need to organise my time better."
“I feel guilty because I can still talk and laugh, but I just crumble at the slightest pressure now, I don’t know why.”
“No one said it’ll be easy! Stop being soft and just get on with it.”
“Yeah… it’d be good to understand what’s going on but I’m not mad or anything!”
..And other classics. Often said in jest and whilst laughing it off.
Sometimes, it's true, we can laugh something off and it's actually no big deal. However, sometimes it's easy to think that our pain, mental and physical, needs to be squashed and masked.
Mental pain often presents itself as physical pain. Take anxiety and panic for instance. In some cases people experience chest pain, head pain, feel nauseous and get tummy ache. The body is intricately connected and naturally seeking medical advice is wise with any significant pain, but so is seeking mental health support.
It’s not healthy to suppress what we’re feeling at all times. Sometimes it's the fear of being judged. Sometimes, struggle is seen as a weakness. However, as we know, we can’t function for ourselves or for others if we’re struggling and as we know - asking for help is a strength.
This is by no means ground breaking, but I’m suggesting that we simply practice answering “how are you?” more honestly - where appropriate.
Ok, we don’t always have time for the life story in day to day and aspects of our lives are private; however, being honest with someone we trust not only can help ourselves, but help others to be honest too.
This in turn can normalise feelings instead of worrying that there’s something intricately wrong with us. Being honest can help us see how much we’ve been carrying all along and help us to get some perspective.
It might be that, “Yeah! No, I’m fine..” might be the truth, in which case, crack on. Just keep in mind that there are likely people that want to help if everything isn't fine.
If you or someone you know needs urgent mental health support, ensure that you find the appropriate help here: NHS Where to Get Urgent Help for Mental Health.
Otherwise, finding other humans to talk to really does help.
